Relationship books are big business these days, and for good reason - the chasm between the sexes is as great or greater now than it has ever been. Let's face it, we men don't get you Estrogen-Americans at all, and you EA's don't have clue number one about us Penis Carriers. No matter how we try, we just seem to miss each other's point, leading to frustration, bitterness, and worst of all, even more relationship books that all say basically the same thing  - we each think the other is fucked in the head!

They are everywhere, these books  - Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus; The Rules; Relationship Rescue; Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them; and my personal favorite, Last of the Mohicans. (No, it's not a silly old relationship book, but hey, there isn't a human alive who doesn't wish he or she had the love and passion fostered between Hawkeye and Cora Munro. Oh, yeah!)

To me so much of what happens between a man and a woman should come down to basic common sense. Sadly, it seldom if ever happens that way. Emotions fog our brains, causing us to make decisions that defy logic at every turn. We get jealous, insecure, scared, bored, lazy, or we simply begin to take each other for granted. In fact we let so many things come between us and true love and happiness that it is amazing we ever find anything resembling it in the first place. We figure out too late that love is the most fragile thing known to human kind, and what looks like a sure bet for the duration today will be gone tomorrow if you are not careful. Heck, sometimes relationships will take a hike even if you are careful. Trust me on this one.

So how do we get off of this merry go round? Can't say I have all the answers, but I will share a few things I've learned along the way. I hope they help.

a.) Don't Live in a Problem - Shit happens in life, get used to it. Nobody expects you to go through life trouble free, but they do expect you to not bore them to death with your troubles all the time. We humans seem to have this insane idea that our Significant Other (SO) wants to hear all about our day, to have us open up to them and to share our joys and sorrows. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

Our SO does want us to share our world, but only to a point. This is particularly true of work situations. If work is a bitch right now, your significant other will be a lot more impressed if we just learn to handle it with a minimum of sharing (otherwise knows as complaining!). This goes for men and women. I've known plenty of women who will drill me between the eyes with work problems until my eyes glaze over. Not that I don't care, but 1.) I don't know these people, and 2.) I don't want to know these people. Let it go and lets talk about something else.

SUBNOTE - (Guy specific) If you absolutely have to vent about your day, go ahead. Just do it to your mom, your dad, a buddy, the dog, or that weird guy who is always asking you for change at the intersection by your house. DO NOT expect a woman to really be there for you. It is the great cosmic order of the universe that you are to be there for her, but DO NOT expect the same in return. Once in a while is okay, but no more. Even then, keep it short, sweet, and to the point, and then get off the subject. Women see complaining - especially about work - as a weakness. They might listen; they might even show sympathy for a bit. But in the end your griping can and will be held against you in the cosmic court of female law, where you will be tried, convicted, and sentenced to banishment without so much as a foreshadowing of the reason why. Unfair? Of course it is. Wait, did somebody say life is fair? No, I didn't think so.

SUBNOTE II - No matter how tempted you might be, NEVER discuss the reasons you broke up with an ex with your current girlfriend. Repeat this to yourself a million times if necessary. Talking about the troubles in previous relationships will only make your current flame hone in on real or imagined troubles in the here and now. Your ex could have a dozen snakes growing from her head, bad credit, and a forked tail, but if you talk about her enough your current girlfriend will start to agree with her assessment of you. Learn to leave well enough alone. Talking about old flames is LIVING IN THE PROBLEM, and as noted in item a above, living in the problem is the fast track for losing a relationship.

b.) Don't be Pussy! - (Guys) I know it was cool for a while for us men to let go of our caveman ways and to get in touch with our feelings, which is all well and good...I guess. Don't get me wrong as I am all for understanding myself, and I am certainly down with men not behaving like knuckle dragging primates. But hear me now - sensitivity has limits. When it is all said and done even the prissiest woman - given the choice - does NOT want Alan Alda as her man, she wants Russell Crowe.<

Not to say women don't want you to be more sensitive. But when a woman says she wants you to be more sensitive, she means for you to be sensitive to her needs, not for you to suddenly start crying over a sad movie. Raw displays of emotional weakness are not a turn on in any way. You can get away with this every now and then, but any more than that makes a woman feel like she has to take care of you when the chips are down. She does not want that! A woman wants her man to take care of the shit when it hits the fan, or least to be able to handle it if she chooses not to. Young women will play the caretaker game for a while, but women my age (37) will run like a scared deer if you show any signs of a soft underbelly. Whatever else you may ever hear, believe me now - Women still want men to be men. Be considerate. Be intelligent. Be sincere. Be compassionate. Be real. Be funny. Be honest. Be curious. Be kind. Be polite. Be a gentleman. But DO NOT BE A PUSSY!

c.) Don't Fake Being Tough - This is simple. Don't pretend to be a tough guy if you are not one. I guarantee she sees right through this one anyway, so better to be up front about your non-toughness. Or, if you are a tough guy, learn to let it go, whatever IT may be. Women don't like aggression anyway. It scares them. Whatever comes your way, handle it with a minimum of physical aggression. After all, we're not in high school anymore.

d.) Have a Sense of Humor - Why are some of us so humorous and lighthearted around our friends and such total serious wankers with the opposite sex? I have said for years that making a woman laugh is the key to romance. Well, this works for us men as well. I love it when a woman can roll with the punches and laugh with me. I don't like to be crude, but I also don't want to have to watch every word I say. Relax, let your hair down, and have fun! Let your sense of humor be out there for all of us to see. It will make you far more attractive.

e.) Believe in Something - Without question the toughest times in my life have come when I have been on the shakiest ground spiritually. I am not personally into organized religion of any kind, most particularly of the western Neo-Christian order, but I do think keeping in touch with the higher order of the universe is an essential part of being a whole person. Without that we all tend to get far too much into the world, and into deriving our happiness from things and from other people instead of from within ourselves.

We are all here to learn as much as we can. Our bodies may be our vessel, but our hearts and our souls are our drivers. Nourish them, and the effect will ripple out to all of those you care for.

f.) Make Happiness Your Priority - Do whatever it takes to find the good side of everything. It isn't always easy, but NOTHING WORTH HAVING IS EVER EASY! We have been lead to believe for years that the best things just come naturally, but that is not always so. Overcoming negative thinking takes hard work and persistence, just like any other worthy goal. Anger and self-pity are the easy ways out of dealing with tough issues, and like it or not you have to be willing to work hard to change that reaction. Notice I said reaction. Our minds always want to take the short cut when strife hits us between the teeth, aching to head straight for the comfortable old pillow of negativity. But we have to be stronger than that. We need to train our minds to assess first, think it through, and then to respond appropriately. Remember, there is good in almost everything, even if it is only as an opportunity to grow. Seek the good before seeking the bad. Respond - don't react.

g.) Watch Your Mouth...and Listen to Hers - Men simply to not take clues well.   This is deadly with women, because hints and subtle nudges are their language. Example? Sure.

I was dating a woman who asked me out of a clear blue sky one night if I had stayed friends with any of my old girlfriends after we split. I didn't think anything about it at the time, so I answered the question and forgot about it. What I didn't know was that she was thinking about getting out of the relationship and was testing the waters to see how I would react. Would I go apeshit and make a scene? Would I turn into a ball of jelly? Or would I make it easy on her and offer to stay friends and to support her in any way I could while SHE WAS SHITTING ON ME LIKE A 3000 POUND BRAHMA BULL WITH A BAD CASE OF STOMACH FLU!!

It is funny now how I can remember so many things like that now that I totally missed at the time. Women, on the other hand, never miss anything. They are taking in, analyzing, and storing for future reference every syllable you may utter. Not that they just love to hear the sound of your oh so macho voice, but because they will need it later at your trial. (Court of Female Law, the Honorable Judge Satana presiding.)

Women always want to know why we men don't communicate more. Simple - We get tired of having every freaking word tossed back at us at a later date. Not that I am suggesting we stop communicating, because that is NOT the answer. I am saying that men need to think before we speak because we are being judged constantly. There is no time when women are not evaluating and assessing, trying to determine if you are good enough for her. Every word, every movement, every grunt is put into the mix. Men, be yourselves at all times, but never forget THEY are watching, scorecards in hand, ready to strike at a moment's notice.

 

I hope these little tips help some of you. Lessons learned the hard way tend to stay with you the longest. But maybe, just once, we can learn the lesson before we actually make the mistake...