Psrhea: Sexual Politics: A Man's View - Bullshit Male Rituals: Year 7

Sexual Politics: A Man's View
Rich Ehisen

Bullshit Male Rituals: Year Seven

One of my favorite events every year is the Final Four Barbecue put on by the creator of this Zine. It is now and always has been a raucous affair complete with a lot of yelling and screaming at the television, tons of ribs, beans, chips, the absolute best hot links you will find anywhere on planet earth, and two great college basketball games. Food, drinks, and great friends – you could say for that one afternoon a year we have it all. Actually, you could say we have it all except for one thing….women.

For as long as David Kennedy has been throwing down the BBQ on Final Four Saturday ladies have been conspicuously off the guest list. Now before anyone goes and gets their undies in a politically correct wad you need to understand something. This is not about discriminating against the fairer sex; it is, however, about a wordsmith like myself having a full day of research material and a free meal, but that’s another topic altogether.

Most of us have seen the average American male (Homosapien Belchicus Rudicous) in his natural habitat – the couch or recliner in front of a sporting event. As such you also realize it is not always a pretty sight. When we guys get together to watch sports on television we are acutely aware we’re not at the ballet or any other event requiring decorum. To us sports are the closest thing we have in modern society to the ancient Roman gladiators, and as such we want to vent, to see someone stick a foot on the other guy’s throat and keep it there. Period. FFBBQ 2000 was no exception to the rule. It was boisterous, odiferous, and one hell of a lot of fun.

This is not to say women can’t or won’t have fun or be an acceptable part of such an event. I personally know several female friends who are huge into sports and who would be a more than willing to join into the revelry. That of course is all well and good…and so totally not the point it is laughable. FFBBQ is not about creating a woman-safe environment; it is about having for one afternoon a place where men are free to be the way God intended for us to be – loud, vulgar, and totally preoccupied by the physical efforts of someone else.

Example? Oh you bet.

One of the guys there this year was wildly cheering for North Carolina. Even amidst the normal hooting and hollering he was a standout, his voice surely informing the neighbors on all sides of every twist and turn in the Tar Heels fate for the day. Jumping up and down at every play, shouting directions as if they could actually hear him, just plain old living and breathing every moment of the game – it was pure guy behavior in it’s truest form and a thing of beauty. Really. No inhibitions, no worries, and most of all nobody telling him to sit down because he was embarrassing her. That’s key on both sides of the issue.

Now this was pointed out to the person in question, and as you might expect he categorically denied he would behave differently if his wife were present. As much as I would like to support that idea, I know it is just total bullshit. Not every man is such a drooling beast when it comes to sports, but the circumstances don’t really matter. Whether we are sitting for high tea with the queen or preparing to tee off on the 18^th,the presence of a woman alters a man’s behavior. More often than not we say different things, or at the least say things differently, and we certainly don’t allow ourselves to go hog wild over a basketball game.

Like it or not, women change the dynamic of things. No man could really let loose and have the kind of uninhibited reactions to things as he does when only the guys are around. When women are present we feel compelled to watch our language, to keep our belches below a certain decibel level, and to never, ever criticize Oprah Winfrey. With ladies on hand we stay out of the beer cooler, we don’t get slop all over our faces when we eat, and we would never dare to take the last of anything without offering it to her first. Heck, with just the guys you actually risk losing a hand in the brawl over the last hot link. Now that’s living.

More than a few of our female friends have complained bitterly over the years about the men-only policy. A woman friend of mine told me point blank once that if she was my wife and I went somewhere she was not allowed to go, then she would probably change the locks on the doors before I got home. Besides illustrating why I am no longer married, this also shows the level of misunderstanding associated with gender specific issues.

I understand women’s reaction to anything perceived as discrimination. Not inviting women to FFBBQ really isn’t about women at all, however, but rather about how we men respond to them. I also don’t in any way blame women for our reactions because, hey, they’re ours. And despite my normal bent toward liberal inclusion of everyone to any kind of event, I do have enough respect for myself and for the female gender to recognize that in this case it serves no purpose.

Despite the flack David has stuck mightily to his guns over the years, and I laud him for realizing that the best way for his buddies to truly enjoy themselves and to cut loose - and to spare our women from the sight of how we really are when they’re not around - is to politely put up the No Women Allowed sign on his door for that one day in March and to let the games begin.

Rich Ehisen is the creator and editor of his own monthly periodical, The NorCal Sports Report, as well as the co-host of The Sport Authority, a radio and television sports talk show on KCBL FM 88.7 and KCBL Public Access Television Channels 17 & 18 in Sacramento, CA. Having been involved in organized sports since the age of nine, he is still looking for his first ever sports trophy. Until then he’ll have to settle for buying them and faking it.