Psrhea: Sexual Politics: A Man's View - 'til Free Agency Do Us Part

Sexual Politics: A Man's View
Rich Ehison

'til Free Agency Do Us Part

One of my best friends is getting married later this year. For months now he and his bride to be have been happily planning and prepping for the big day when they move from their current status as fiances to full fledged spouses. Halls are being rented, dresses getting sewn, and invites being printed. Come this fall, it all comes down to a few minutes out of a single day changing two people's lives forever. If that isn't enough to scare the living shit out of you then I suggest you check your pulse because I think you're dead.

This may not sit well with my friend's bride to be, but to me marriage is one of the more archaic scams in the history of all humankind. Much like communism the idea of marriage sounds good in theory. People working together and sharing all things in pursuit of the common good is a grand thought, but remember Marxism eventually collapsed under its own weight, due in no small part to the complete failure of the self-important boob to understand the basic essence of human nature. Much like the concept of a truly utopian state, the notion of an everlasting union between two independent spirits is almost comical.

This has never been more true than it is today. Fully half of the marriages performed this calendar year in the United States will eventually end in divorce. Of that number at least half will entail vicious court battles over such romantic ideals as property dissolution, alimony, debt separation, child support, child custody, and who has to pay the other person's freaking attorney. Ah, love!

Here in California we even went through a recent election with a proposition designed specifically to "save" marriage. This is to be accomplished by ensuring that only nuptials between a man and a woman are recognized as legal. Well, I have news for the great masses that voted this idiocy into law - WE HETEROSEXUALS HAVEN'T DONE A HELL OF A LOT TO "SAVE" MARRIAGE OF LATE NOW HAVE WE! I don't care if the union is between a man and a woman or a man and a goat, marriage is almost guaranteed to fail as often as succeed. Even couples who stay together for decades eventually end up growing farther and farther apart until they can't stand the sight of each other.

There are a million theories as to why this has come to be. Some blame the changes brought about by the feminist movement and the sexual revolution, others blame the "have it all and have it now" media machine which constantly preaches dissatisfaction with our daily lives. This century has also seen a distinct loosening of the vice-like grip of religion on our social attitudes, leading to far fewer people willing to hold things together solely out of fear of eternal hellfire. All of this certainly plays a part in today's marital mess, but I think we're missing the point from jump city. Our problem isn't that women wear long pants now and it isn't Oprah. Our problem is the fairy tale bullshit laid down on us from birth by people who should know better.

We are conditioned from infancy to believe marriage is the ultimate expression of romantic love for another person. What they don't tell you is that not only are you promising to love, honor, and cherish your little boopsy for all eternity, but you are also agreeing to a binding legal contract which creates a business agreement no different than the joining of Hewlett to Packard or the merger of the AFL and NFL. Marriage combines every aspect of our life, from finances to furnishings, assets to asses. Sadly, most of us get so wrapped up in the initial co-mingling of our bodies that we block out the rest of the deal. Romantic foolishness blinds us to the realities of lame jobs, lamer in-laws, and making sure the toilet seat is down when she goes to the bathroom at three in the morning. It also fails to prepare us for the reality that we are seldom the same people at thirty as we are at twenty.

Romance and love may be the food of the soul, but nuptials are purely and simply a business deal. True affection for your partner may make the ambiguous ends of the arrangement more tolerable and sustaining, but nothing changes that bottom line. If you don't believe me than I suggest you go spend a few hours in any divorce proceedings and tell me what you see. It's always about money, and not just if you happened to marry Anna Nicole Smith.

So what's the answer? How do we stop this merry-go-round of marital discord and dysfunction? Simple. I propose we once and for all end the entire silly notion of til-death-do-us-part and replace it with something far more practical and realistic. No more mandatory forever contracts which can only be broken through the help of those demonic minions of Satan known as attorneys. No more romantic slight of hand. No more Lifetime programs about brave, heroic women trapped in terrible marriages with bad, bad men. That's right, it's time for marital free agency to enter the world.

Most of you, sports fan or otherwise, are familiar with free agency. For you cave dwellers among us it simply means that an athlete who has completed the terms of his contract with his current team is free to shop his services to any team he so chooses. This actually varies in some sports, but for the sake of this discussion we will restrict our terms to those used by major league baseball. In MLB there are no strings attached to the process. No compensation, no "franchise player," no salary cap hassles. When you're deal is done, it's done. Period. That's marital free agency, baby!

To start with, I say no initial marital agreement can be for longer than five years. That should be plenty of time to work out all the sordid little details of living with another human. After that each party is free to negotiate their best deal, be it with their current partner, with someone new, or with their own digits. If you both like where you are and who you're with, then stay put. Sign a long term deal with option years attached if you like. If not, hit the road and check out someone else's dugout because one man's loss is another man's gain.

There are a lot of reasons to like this system, not the least of which is the chance to make up for your own ignorant mistake in the first place. After all, when you first fall into that hormone induced state of love you are probably not going to work out your best deal, very similar to the shitty contracts many young athletes and rock musicians get into when they are first trying to get established. Heck, everyone from Tom Petty to TLC has had to sue or be sued to get out of a bad deal at sometime in their career. In baseball a player has to be in the major leagues for six years before he can even test the waters of freedom. But once we've gained that experience and established our market value then we can negotiate a package which will be in line with our true worth.

Of course that works both ways. Sometimes our true worth as a spouse is nil. Not everyone can hit a curveball and not everyone is cut out to be married. That's okay, but some other poor slob shouldn't have to be part of your marriage-challenged world if they don't want to be. And what's more, some viperous lawyer shouldn't spend his summers in Barbados on your dime because the legal system sees fit to make the process a million times harder than it needs to be.

I realize that this is not as simple as I make it sound. Kids in particular cloud up the picture. But that's an even better point in free agency's favor. With a previously negotiated contract regarding the responsibilities of both parents in the case of either side not continuing with the relationship we can help eliminate some of the mind numbing red tape which always makes the emotional and fiscal aspect of a break up harder on our kids. Although some of you will probably argue that we already have free agency through the divorce process, trust me when I tell you that you NEVER want to the legal system to determine how your life will go. Actually maybe you should go through one sometime and then tell me just how free you feel afterward. In fact, I think the best advertisement ever for my way of thinking is the way we do things now.

Anyone who follows sports can also tell you that an athlete never performs better than during the last year of his contract. Because of this my personal preference for free agency would consist of the initial five year deal followed by a series of one year contracts. Somebody looking for a new deal is always on their game, and it doesn't matter what the game is. Maybe if we all felt that pressure once in a while, if we took away some of the security-turned-laziness that creeps into our relationships, we will actually turn more civil to each other. Maybe if there is a real chance that your spouse will walk away scot-free if you don't stop spending every weekend with your beer buddies you guys will wise up and show her some attention. Maybe if your wife knows you can and will drop her like a hot rock with no repercussions at all she'll actually show an interest in sex longer than the first five minutes after the ceremony is over. Maybe. And perhaps somewhere in there we'll all stop yelling and just really listen to each other. Maybe if we stay somewhere because we really want to then the time we're there will be good for everyone. If so, I bet that signature still finds a way to the dotted line year after year after year.

Rich Ehisen is the creator and editor of his own monthly periodical, The Norcal Sports Report, as well as the co-host of The Sport Authority, a radio and television sports talk show on KCBL FM 88.7 and KCBL Public Access Television Channels 73 & 74 in Sacramento, CA. Having been involved in organized sports since the age of nine, he is still looking for his first ever sports trophy.
Until then he'll have to settle for buying them and faking it.