The more I know
The less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
- Don Henley

What do you want? It seems like a simple enough question. If you are hungry you desire some food. If your throat is dry some water would be nice. Sick? How about medicine? Easy enough. But apply that same question - What do you want? - to the interpersonal relationship between a woman and a man and the great majority of us go blindingly stupid.

Perhaps I am misstating the problem. Maybe the answer is just too obvious. What do you want? Why, I want it all, of course! Freedom, security, sex, friendship, money, status, fun, excitement, yada, yada, yada. It is somewhere in this surreal world of expectation and hope that the real answer to the male/female quandary lies. I think.

You see the problem lies in the fact most of us don't know how to balance what we want with what we need. A great modern day poet once said, and I quote:

You can't always get what you want
but if you try sometimes
you might find
you get what you need

It seems to me our basic problem with the opposite sex is how often we misconstrue need with want. (Folks, this can't be that hard to understand if a guy like Mick Jagger gets it.) A real life example you ask? Sure.

A female relative of mine for years dated the same kind of guy over and over. Big, handsome, and always as dumb as a box of rocks. Despite the glory of the outside package all of them seemed to possess some kind of emotionally restrictive malaise - bitchy ex-wife, IRS troubles, love of nose candy - which inevitably kept them from being "the guy." These lords of manliness never failed to fail and eventually even she grew tired of the whole thing. Vowing to change she eventually met a very intelligent man who not only could spell c-o-m-m-i-t-m-e-n-t but who also knew what it means. And no, he was not a geek. On the contrary he was a good looking, athletic, and had no state or federal agencies looking for him. Nirvana, right? Wrrrrrrrrrong!!!

Mr. Right had a problem no amount of rationalization could conquer - he was too nice. Yes, you read this correctly. Because he did not have an air of mystery, intrigue, and danger she very soon found him to be an unsuitable human being. Four years and one child into their marriage she left him. Now she lives with a construction worker with - you guessed it - a bitchy ex-wife and a ton of financial problems. Boy howdy, how did you ever see that one coming. Is she any happier. For the moment, but I'll reserve final analysis for a while.

I'm not trying to pick on only the women out there. I know plenty of men who have also made a career out of dating boat anchor females who nobody would ever think of as the sharpest knife in the drawer. These women usually look great in a bikini, or perhaps are all-stars between the sheets, or maybe are just a warm body. Just as often we guys stay with a woman because we simply don't like to be alone. Other men I have known seem to make a habit of getting into relationships with "stress junkies," those women who love to live life in crisis. (Hey, that's my relative!).

The bottom line in the human relationship dilemma is that for us to get anything even close to what we need we first have to understand what it is we really want. Not what we think we want, but what we really, really want. And not just from our significant other but from ourselves as well. That being accomplished we should turn our attention to what it is we are willing to give up in the process. Yes, that's right - you actually have to give something to get something back in life.

I'm not suggesting we should settle for less all the time, but then again, what have we been doing anyway? Too often we let looks or some other superficial bullshit have too much bearing on who we spend our lives with. I understand that looks are important - nobody wants to date Quasimoto - but if that is the primary focal point you choose for a relationship then you had better know going in that you may already be in trouble. Losers come in all shapes and sizes, but so do winners. Think about that the next time you get the itch to try something new.

Rich Ehisen is the creator and editor of his own monthly periodical, The Norcal Sports Report, as well as the co-host of The Sport Authority, a radio and television sports talk show on KCBL FM 88.7 and KCBL Television Channels 17 & 18 in Sacramento, CA. Having been involved in organized sports since the age of nine, he is still looking for his first ever sports trophy. Until then he'll have to settle for buying them and faking it.