The Ice Cube No Vaseline Award
by LeDarius Washington

It’s been a few months since I’ve done this feature, and in a simpler time it was easy having fun at the expense of the people who were recipients of this distinction. The September 11 terrorist attacks and the subsequent war on terrorism have made life a little more serious. Still, succeeding events and specifically people attached to those events have provided me with a lot of easy targets for consideration of this “honor”. So while the rest of the country has decided to “put things in perspective” (I love that phrase), I’m going to continue to irreverently put the spotlight on those who so desperately merit this award, changing mainstream sensibilities be damned.

It would be easy and justifiable giving this months award to somebody like Osama bin Laden or Mullah Mohammad Omar, but who already doesn’t think either deserves to have that sphincter muscle stretched, and if by some freak of nature either one of them is captured then there are already plenty of bull queers in American prisons sizing up their johnsons for much-anticipated insertion. No need to waste the distinction on either John Walker Lindh or Zacarias Moussoui or Richard Reid, al three of whom will become prison bitches very soon indeed. It would be too easy and very popular to single out somebody who is directly connected to America’s new war, the deserving recipients are just too numerous to mention.

Quite the contrary, we are going to name somebody who doesn’t have anything to do with the events of September 11. Somebody who would have nonetheless deserved mention had he done what he did even before that dark Tuesday in September but is even more deserving now because under the current societal and economic climate chose the wrong time to do what he did.

The winner of the Ice Cube No-Vaseline Award for February:

KENNETH LAY

No, I am not naming Lay this month’s recipient because I lost any money investing either in his failed company or with any of its failed business dealings. This award is very well earned by Lay for what he has done to the thousands of people he employs, what he has done to a national economy already teetering on the recession abyss, and how he was allowed to cover his own ass, while ducking for cover, by high-ranking officials in the federal government, who let him get away with it.

Kenneth Lay is the Chief Executive Officer of Enron, the huge energy-trading giant which brought new economic tools such as internet trading and sophisticated hedging strategies to the old business of matching producers and consumers of electricity, oil, natural gas and countless other commodities and services. By the end of fiscal year 2000, Enron was the seventh largest corporation in the United States, larger and more profitable than old-line corporate giants GM, Ford, IBM, and General Electric.

But what nobody knew until December of 2001, when it was too late, was that Enron was built on a house of cards made of irresponsibly bad investments and creatively shady accounting practices. Enron got so big and so profitable so fast that management fell victim to hubris, encouraged by board members, regulators, politicians and stock analyst. Feeling they could do no wrong, the company too often pursued unprofitable markets, obscured the costs and intimidated anybody who had the temerity to ask for an explanation.

Even as Enron was being ranked the seventh largest corporation in 2000 things were beginning to fall apart. At the end of that fiscal year, accounting and investment practices were being questioned by their own accountants and analysts. But taking their cue from Lay, Enron continued their dubious business dealings, and even began to take advantage of some their troubled business partners by charging obscene prices for services (SEE State of California, which, in the middle of a drastic power shortage, was charged as much as 20 times the market value for electricity and gas by Enron).

As Enron’s complicated private partnerships (with entities who did business with the company but whose finances were not subject to much public scrutiny) began to unravel, investors began to flee the company’s stock, which caused lenders to demand immediate payment of hundreds of millions of dollars in debt. Enron stock lost over 99% of its value in less than one fiscal year, to just pennies by the time it file for bankruptcy protection in December, making Enron the largest corporate entity to ever file for bankruptcy.

At the center of all this was Lay. Even as he and Enron were shelling out millions in contributions to very influential candidates during the 1999-2000 campaign – George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and the GOP being the largest beneficiary of their largesse – and advising Bush and Cheney in framing the Administration’ energy policy, Lay knew that his company was falling apart at the seams. When it became apparent to him and his senior corporate officials that the empire would crumble at any time, they cashed in their own holdings and walked away with tens of millions before the collapse.

The direct casualties were shareholders who lost damn near the entire value of their portfolios, including management funs and mutual funds. But by far the biggest victims were a lion’s share of Enron employees who had their own investments and retirement plans, inextricably tied into Enron’s shady trading practices, which lost virtually all of their value and wiping out thousands of employees life savings. Then to add insult to injury, thousands of those same employees had to suffer the further indignation of losing their jobs at a time when the economy is experiencing its first downturn in a decade.

This historic collapse is sure to be examined in a spate of lawsuits, congressional hearings and an investigation by the Securities and Exchange Commission. And it should, because this coupled with the obvious influence peddling smacks of fraud and other illegal behavior so smelly it makes Don King look saintly by comparison.

But it doesn’t end there. Doing his best to avoid any culpability in all of this, Lay then presides over the shredding of countless tons of documents that I’m sure investigators would love to take a look at. Then to top it all off, Lay and his family go on television and, with a straight face, cry about how hard this is on him and them…

            …In essence, he went out like a bitch.

What really is infuriating is that there doesn’t seem to be nearly enough public outrage to really follow through on a thorough legal examination on what went wrong. How can a society be so callous and enraged by a small-time land deal that went wrong and profited no one or an intern who showed off her thong and had prison sex with a sitting president (again a victimless act), and not be concerned about the actions of a major corporation whose misdeeds directly and adversely affected the national economy as well as thousands of its own employees? You want a special prosecutor to inquire about something worthwhile, then how about empowering one to look into this, not some leader who only got his dick sucked. You want to go after somebody for betraying the public trust, then how about going after the guy who caused irreparable damage to his own company, literally fucked his own employees, and contributed to taking the economy along with him.

If it were up to me, Kenneth Lay could begin paying back what everyone lost by turning tricks. That’s right, I’d make him a ho. He could put on a mini-skirt, tank top, long black wig, lipstick and eyeliner, and stiletto heels. I’d have him walk the streets, handle my bidness, and get me my motherfuckin’ money (That’s right, BITCH BETTA HAVE MY MONEY).

But for now we proudly bestow this month’s distinction on him. Hopefully someday Lay will find himself before a criminal court of law, and then when convicted Bubba Da Luv Bug will knock all of Lay’s teeth out, make Lay his bitch, and hang a sign outside Lay’s prison cell which say “Over A Billion Served”.

And lest we forget, here is an award within an award. This month’s recipient of The Vernern Schillinger Award goes to Dick Cheney. You know what you did, Dick. You knew months ago all this crap with Enron was coming down. You let all that money Enron contributed to your campaign keep you from doing or saying anything to federal regulators. You were in a unique position to minimize the devastating damage to thousands of people, yet you sat back and watched it happen. You can claim executive privilege all you want; you knew about it and did nothing. I guess this is what the American public gets for voting an oilman (read: Energy) into public federal office (I guess we’ll think our vote through from now on). Here’s hoping you share a jail cell with Lay someday. Now wouldn’t that be appropriate: Dick and Lay in the same cell. We’d have to throw water on them.

Copyright 2002 Accurate Letters Enterprises/Psrhea Magazine