Thoughts of Myself
by Matt Eckert
So, I'm going to the fridge to grab the pot roast that I
had planned on cooking at my desk. But,
low and behold my boss is standing in front of it. My first instinct was to push
her out of the way and tell her to go back to sleep. But, to my surprise they were having a meeting.
Fuck, I should have stayed out for another smoke.
Anyway, so, now I'm stuck in this meeting. They've caught me.
The fact that I'm standing up and my gaze at the fridge looks like I'm
taking part in listening. I now had
no plan of action. I couldn't
simply just walk away now that they thought they had my attention. So, I braved
it.
The thoughts of myself:
"We've got to find a way to strategically cut down
on something in order to get the current work load accomplished."
"I've got it! We
should have more ineffectual meetings about databases and new request
forms!"
"That's the thinking, what do you say we get a box
of Krispy Kreme and discuss how to implement a four hour meeting every day on
how to cut out useless time spending?"
"Yeah!" My interest fades and I'm stuck with my
own thoughts: I wonder how it would feel to take my boss by the ankles and swing
her into the rest of these brain dead troglodytes. Hmmmm..... I wonder what the
printer thinks about all this? Do peanuts grow on trees or on roots?
I always forget. Hmmm....what would go better with my coffee, pizza or a
donut? "-to the database and complete the file, what do you think
Matt?"
"Sounds good."
"Great, so let's begin typing essays on how to save
time and be more prod-" I wonder what my boss would look like if she had
fins.... oh, that's good. Hey, I can picture things in my mind.
I guess the brain, the seemingly useless organ, has a use. Hmmmm.....
does eating a banana a week ago constitute going on a diet? Did I really see a
commercial for something called "Nads" last night?
Or was I just drunk again? I wonder if I'm an alcoholic, I mean, I'm not
drunk right now, but I wish I were. Boy,
do I wish I was drunk- "sound good, matt?"
"Sounds fantastic."
Better throw in a paying attention word, hmmmmm "what would we ever
do with out our database and forms?"
"Oh, Matt, it’s good to know you're with us."
"Aye, aye, captain." Christ, I wonder if she
suspects I taped her mouth shut the other day when I found her sleeping? Who
started punk rock? The Clash or
Jimmy Carter? I mean, you know,
when you really get down to it? Christ, I think I hate punk rock, why am I
thinking about punk rock? Christ, now I have that awful Ruby Soho song in my
head. Hmmmm....which was a better movie, Ishtar or Best Defense?
Crap, what ever happened to Eddie Murphy's talent?
Did it dry up like what happened to Paul McCartney, or has it been passed
on starting with Arsenio Hall, slowly depleting each time it leaves a comic and
eventually becoming completely depleted when it reached Urkel? Man, I can't
believe I would reference Urkel, I mean, that was a long time ago. Christ, this
punk rock CD I'm listening to really sucks, why did anyone ever think the Clash
was good?
"Matt, why don't you rejoin the meeting?
Matt? Brian, could you get
the stun gun?" Yeah, I mean what the hell is this guy singing about
analk;duf;lkdhsldk;g;kl;kfjFUCK "Matt, can you rejoin the meeting?"
"Oh, sorry, did you really need to use the tazer?"
"Yes, Matt, we did."
Fuck,
now I'm stuck in this meeting again. Crap.
Hmmmm....what ever happened to Matt Oien?
Oh, wait, he's in Colorado. Is
my memory going? Crap, I can't even remember what the last thing I said was. Damn, I think it was something about Nebraska, but I'm not
sure. I need to quit drinking. I
think I said something funny last night to a passing shopper at the market, but
I can't figure out what it was? I
think it was a melon joke, but I'm not sure.
Crap, I can't figure out if I'm asleep or not.
Shit, this is really scaring me.
"Matt, why are you pinching yourself?"
"Um, ticks?"
"Oh, so what do you think about the new donut from
Krispy Kreme? It can be used as a
database. Isn't that great?"
"Fabulous."
Matt Eckert is a new contributor to Psrhea.