Psrhea: Domestically Disturbed

Domestically Disturbed

by Brian Brennan

On Monday I came home and found that my apartment was a lake. Why? Because the plumbers are having problems "changing my valves." So much so that each subsequent day requires more plumbers to appear in my apartment - all named Chet apparently. On Monday it was 4, Tuesday, 6. Today (Wednesday) I expect it will be ten. Each morning they show up and take turns holding the valve while the others spread filth and sweat all over this worthless swamp that was my apartment. What this plumbing company lacks in solutions they more than make up for in Chets.

It is important to have at least eight plumbers at all times because otherwise it could take much longer to get sweat and dirt and these little black clumps that look like worms all over the floor and counters. Where I prepare food, formerly the counter, now scum storage place, it looks like someone vomited. When I politely ask Chets if they will be cleaning up they tell me in a booming voice drunk with the joys of one who has just destroyed another's home "Oh yeah, we'll get all the crap out of here as soon as were done" The secret of the Chets is that they are never done so they never clean up; thus observing their own rules. My apartment just stays lake-like. An ecosystem is developing in the kitchen that I am afraid to disturb. The EPA fines me 500 dollars a day for everyday that I live in this fragile corner of nature.

Sometimes after I've swam to bed I lay there and can see the light reflecting off of water that is on the floor and I become angry. Traditionally, the only peace I have ever gotten has been sleepytime. Now that has been destroyed. No one thinks it is a big deal that this happened to me. It's like every once in a while you have to expect your home to be destroyed and complaining about it isn't going to do any good. This is how life was in the 5th century when Huns and Vandals would raid villages. This is just supposed to be looked at as an "Act of God".

As Chet #7 philosophically put it, "Sorry about the mess dude, shit happens sometime". (I didn't forget to put an "s" at the end of "sometime," this is the way Chet talks. This is the way all the Chets talk).

"Yes Chet 7, I'm sorry too. Very sorry", I think to myself. "I'm sorry that bad things always happen to me no matter what building I am in. I wonder how many innocent children I slaughtered in a previous life to deserve being acquainted with you in this one."

The OTHER problem: Chets come from a utopia, apparently free of crime and vice, and so they have to be reminded to lock my door when they leave at night. My own requests have been ignored, apparently leaving my door unlocked in a city full of crime falls under the category of "shit happening dude".

So I ask my superintendent, "Willis, could you ask the Chets to lock my door when they are done destroying my world for the night?"

Willis: " Well they said you had come home so they figured they could leave it unlocked."

Sadboy(me): "Oh, I apologize Willis. I can certainly see how me coming in after work and deciding to eventually leave because watching twelve plumbers drool and sweat and destroy became boring after 1/2 hour could cause one to assume that I had given the signal to leave my home unlocked in Murder City. In the future I will make a better effort to not come home during prime Chet hours. In the future I will also refrain from calling the place where I sleep "home" because it obviously belongs more to the Chets than it ever did to me. For instance, they feel comfortable enough to cover the kitchen floor, and bathroom with filth and leave it, where I would still feel awkward doing something like that. Oh yeah, please remind the Chets that bringing a mop to the apartment is not the end, but only the very beginning of cleaning. Without human ingenuity the mop is virtually worthless. I've never found one that would consistently clean by itself without someone standing behind it and pushing it."