MONDAY, JULY 7

Sometimes, when I'm sitting in my swanky office musing about the next competitor to crush... I find myself gazing out over our vast parking lot and watching the comings and goings of all my Microserfs in their Micromobiles... Here's my Top Ten Microsoft Bumper Stickers...

1. Try to make Windows idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

2. Work is for people who don't have Microsoft stock.

3. Forget the Joneses, try keeping up with the Gateses. (This one's on Myrvold's Humvee. Good luck, Nathan!)

4. Welcome to Dilbertville.

5. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. (That's on my Lexus.)

6. The more people I meet, the more I like my PC.

7. All men are idiots, and I married their King. (This one's on Melinda's car. What can she mean?)

8. He who laughs last at Bill's jokes gets no stock options.

9. I get enough exercise just pushing my mouse.

10. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. (Very popular with the IE development group.)

TUESDAY, JULY 8

Oops. Looks like I've gone too far this time. I've just received this e-mail from my buddy Larry...

From: Larry Ellison, Oracle

To: Bill G, or whatever your name is...

The comments contained in your "Secret Diary" are untrue and defamatory. Worse, they're not even funny. If I were you, I would stop publishing lies and innuendo before you find yourself on the wrong end of a libel lawyer's writ. In particular, your recent Top Ten list of my ex-girlfriends is entirely without foundation, and the implication that I date underage girls is libelous. Furthermore, your continued inaccurate references to Adelyn Lee, a former Oracle employee, should cease immediately. In the circumstances, I consider an apology appropriate.

Your attempts to impersonate Bill Gates a close personal friend of mine, and shining example to all of us in the computer industry are immature, inaccurate and totally without merit. You need help.

I hope I make myself clear.

An apology? How about... Larry, I'm sorry you're a humorless, skirt-chasing, un-hip, middle-aged white guy with too much time, money and testosterone than you can sensibly deal with. How's that?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9

In a major blow to Netscape Communications, Intuit announced that it will build my Internet Explorer browser into future versions of Intuit's market-leading (apart from Money, of course) personal finance software. Nah, nah, nah-nah-nah...

Called my broker and made sure that I get some stock in the @Home Network IPO on Friday. You can't be too rich, too thin, or have too many cable infrastructure investments.

THURSDAY, JULY 10

Big news over at Apple... CEO Gilbert Amelio (and his sidekick Ellen Hancock) has "resigned". He, he, he. Bye-bye Gil baby! Apple continues to go downhill faster than, uh... well, a really, really, fast going downhill thing. Put it this way: Apple's giving me the kind of industry competition that I know and love. (That's none! Perhaps I should have encouraged them to keep Gil on?) I told you right from the start that Gilbert was a loser. Boy, that $13m in salary and bonuses for less than 18 months of one of the worst CEOs in computer history sure looks like a sound investment, huh?

I guess this means that Steve will have a larger role as a "Strategic Advisor". That should fix their problems! Right. Hey! I know! Get him to re-negotiate the contracts with those Apple Cloners. (If I remember correctly, at the Apple worldwide developers' conference earlier this year, Jobs tactful as ever referred to the clone makers as "leeches".)

FRIDAY, JULY 11

MSN had 1.6 million members in December. Now it has 2.3 million members. That's significant growth. Nearly 50%, in fact. I'm very satisfied. Oh yes, it's a complete success. Exactly as I planned when we launched it: my business plan said we were going to be the #3 Online Service behind CompuServe and AOL. So... success as usual. I'm very happy. Really I am. Well done MSN team! Way to go!

Uh... No, no, NO! Not really! I lied! You're a bunch of clueless, crummy, totally random morons... Number 3? Who do you think we are? Apple? I hope you guys have got jobs at CompuServe and AOL lined up.

Can you spell PATHETIC LOSERS?

SATURDAY, JULY 12

ATHM closed yesterday at $17, giving @Home a market cap of $2 billion. Cool! Pretty good for a company with revenues of $700,000 and a net loss of $24.5 million. (Apple style financials, I think!)

Far from being a chauvinist, I'm actually a big supporter of women in the industry. Honest. There's...

1. Kim Polese, Marimba.

2. Carol Bartz, Autodesk.

3. Ellen Hancock, Apple. (Oops. Not any more!)

4. Hmmmm...

5. Melinda Gates, Microsoft. (Now, she's HOT!)

6. Uh... there aren't any more...

SUNDAY, JULY 13

I noticed that Apple announced that the launch of Mac OS 8 will be on July 26. They obviously think this is going to turn things around. They must have some great Windows-beating features in store for us... Like... "Mac OS 8 is faster and more efficient than previous versions". Yeah? "Multitasking: you can empty the trash and copy multiple files at the same time". That's just SO cool! Oooh, I'm shaking in my boots! NOT!

Nathan and Stephen are going crazy about the Mars Pathfinder mission. Me? I'm finding it tough to get excited... Mars? No people, no PCs, no sales of Windows 95. So who cares?

EDITOR'S NOTE: This article as submitted by Bruce Hendrickson is parody and satire. We hope that anybody who reads this will understand that this is meant as absurd humor and will interpret it in the vein for which it is offered.

Bruce Hendrickson is a computer system's analyst for the state of California and the oldest living Generation-X-er. Bruce can usually be found prowling downtown Sacramento at night trying to find partners for his slacker golf matches.